“Jay-Z: All I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend

Beyonce: Down to ride till the very end, it’s me and my boyfriend” – ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” –Genesis 2:24 King James Version

It is no great secret that the romantic relationship, especially between a man and woman, holds the top position in the relationship hierarchy of Americans*. More time is spent searching for romantic partners, more effort is spent on cultivating the amorous bond, and more money is spent on celebrating the romantic union than on any other type of association. Americans generally celebrate the formation of a romance through anniversaries, the rites of passage of a romance through engagement parties and wedding ceremonies, and the mere existence of a romance through Valentine’s Day. Naturally, the sundry and omnipresent celebrations of romances dwarf the limited and scarce celebrations of non-romantic bonds. This imbalance of festivities stems from the fact that neither platonic friendships, nor kinships—or any other bonds for that matter—are put on so high a pedestal and declared as necessary for a happy life as the romantic relationship.

As the band Boys Like Girls says, “I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over,” and in the midst of friends who still obsessively crave the elixir of love as if they would dehydrate without it, I wonder why we place such a premium on romantic relationships. Why are the scales so unequally weighted in favor of romantic relationships as opposed to everything else? Aside from religious justifications, the heightened importance of romances may be partly due to the perception of all other relationships as temporary in nature or in actuality. For instance, a friendship with someone may start and end, making it temporary in actuality. Contrarily, a family bond will never truly end because one will always be biologically related to their kin, but if a person has no contact with his/her family then such relationships will be temporary in nature since there is little difference between a relationship with no contact between parties and a relationship which has formally ended. So with regard to the instability of platonic bonds and despite the testimony of reality through divorce rates, Americans still look towards romances, and especially marriages, as the one relationship that will be permanent: till death do the lovers part.

The extreme importance of romantic relationships can therefore be understood as a violent reaction to the socially instituted transience and depredation of associations such as friendships and kinships. Friendships, for example, are like trees: they often take lots of time to grow to maturity and are often rooted in one occupational, recreational, or physical place. For many Americans, society, with its forced social uprooting when younger and propensity for major life changes when older, is not facilitative of strong friendships. When younger than twenty-two, most people in cities (and therefore most people in America) will switch schools three or four times and each time see their life’s path diverge from many of their friends’ lives. When no longer in frequent physical proximity to one another due to a school change, children’s friendships usually wither like a plant deprived of sunlight. Moreover, for many of these individuals’ platonic relationships, adulthood will not offer respite from socially mediated disfigurement. Adults will move away from family and friends to areas where they can find jobs, live with their spouses, and feel comfortable raising young children. Indeed, America has a long standing tradition of people heading west to find wealth with nothing but their mate and children and immigrants leaving their entire social networks behind to come to “the land of the free” with no one  aside from their husband or wife. Through all these changes, platonic bonds are strangled and the romantic bond is seen as the most durable—the bond most worthy of attention.

However, while the romantic relationship increases in primacy so too do its affiliated negative qualities, namely possessiveness and jealousy.  A good example of this is the prevalent thought among my friends about romantic relationships: they are only considered serious when both partners have sole possession of the other partner’s amatory actions and, ideally, desires. Additionally, people are often highly jealous and wary of individuals whom their partner seems to be sexually attracted to. This heightened level of possessiveness is a main difference between the emphasized romantic relationship and downplayed non-romantic relationships. For instance, there is no arbitrary limit on the number of great friends one can have that is analogous to the restriction of having one romantic partner. Nor do family members seem jealous of “family friends” who practically have the same relationship status as themselves and are treated like kin. In general, platonic relationships are extendable to the masses. Conversely, romantic relationships, in their attempts to permanently lasso one, have presently lost the ability to love many.

Despite the current reclusive state of romances, we do not have to be myrmidons of the American tradition, thoughtlessly and solely seeking permanence in amative relationships. We can make a conscious effort and choice to forever hold on to our friends and family while at the same time letting go of forced spousal dependency. Life becomes easier when one can be secure in a wide reaching and strong social network. And indeed, even parenting life becomes better since child rearing is easier in a community of lifelong friends where more people can share the burden. Therefore let us deliver the sockdolager to possessiveness and jealousy, removing romantic relations from its rarified seat of permanency and placing it on the widened couch of longevity along with our kinships and friendships. As the ascendant consciousness and intelligence of the human brain is achieved through the multiplicity, diversity, and durability of connections within it, so too is a congenial and beatific life achieved through the multiplicity, diversity, and durability of all connections therein—including romantic connections. When there is reason to believe that more than just our mate will remain in our life, then there will be no reason to romantically love only our mate. Instead, in the same way that multiple friends are appreciated and valued, without jealousy between people over mutual friends, multiple romantic partners will be appreciated and valued rather than abhorred and vilified. And our lives will be richer for it.  We will go from emulating “Bonnie and Clyde” to seeking near and extended kin, and we will go from husband and wife to “lovers and friends,” secure in the stability of not one but all of our treasured relationships.

“Ain’t no place I’d rather be/Chillin’ with homies and family…” –Thugz Mansion by Tupac Shakur

“Tell me again… that we’ll be lovers and friends…” –Lovers & Friends by Usher

*Note- This paper’s comparisons are restricted to relationships between relatively independent adults as opposed to dependent-caregiver relationships such as those between an elderly parent and adult child or a dependent child and adult parent.